this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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