I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
How does one acquire holy water?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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