I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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