don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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