I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
