Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize