I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize