she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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