This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
