you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Send help, water and tortillas.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
