So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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