is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
