Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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