I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
