Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
