I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
