Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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