Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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