Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
