Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
