my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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