I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I intend to get homeless drunk
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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