An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
