im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
