So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
