so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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