i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
