Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
