good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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