She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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