Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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