he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
