Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
