I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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