At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
