Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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