Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
