No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
