I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
