we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
