see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
