ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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