I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
