Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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