i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
