He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
