I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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