Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
