You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize