some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm just crazy horny about you
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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