That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
