Where is the hickey?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize