i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
