Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
