He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
