I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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