Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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