I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
