The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
