the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
