I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
