Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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