Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize